When I was in high school I used to battle depression by ignoring it or refusing to let it get to me. I would feel this terrible ache and chaos clench my chest and make it hard to breath. I remember this one day when I was washing the dishes. I grabbed the sink and took several slow deep breaths repeating to myself over and over, "No. No. I won't let this happen. Everything is going to be okay. I'm fine. I'm fine. . ." with deep breaths in between sentences. I pushed it out of my mind mentally forcing the ache to be released and in a few moments it would go away. This would happen periodically and I would either cry it out or push it away. It was something I did myself. Something that I was able to control. Unwittingly, that was the approach I took towards everyone's depression. Never understanding why they couldn't stop being such whiners and just move on.
After I graduated from high school I had the best summer of my life before moving to Snow College for the school year. Snow College was the best learning experience I've ever had. I was understanding everything the teachers threw at me and it was the reason I chose to become a philosophy major.
Before I had graduated high school my parents had taken out a loan from a crooked bank and we were in the process of fighting the foreclosure. (By crooked I mean they forged my mothers signature on a document and lied about our house being a log cabin so they could give us the loan.) Our lives were in constant stages of disarray. Since I had moved down to Snow College my parents had requested that I pack up my room in case we needed to move quickly. This meant that every time I visited my parents house I was living from boxes including the summer between my first and second year at Snow.
My second year at Snow College was entirely different. I lived in very conservative off-campus student housing. All five of my roommates were Mormon and I am not. I was unable to make friendly connections with my roommates and they simply became acquaintances that I happened to share space with. At that point I was no longer able to express myself in my humble abode and from there it was a gradual decline.
There is more to the story than what I have laid down. But for now I shall leave you with this link and inform you that I have not yet gotten to the beauty of not knowing. Peace be with you.
Depression Part Two
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