Photographers Paradise: Mature Content

Photographs by Frank Bennett

                                         

Photographs by Mark Grantham

This was a lovely photographers workshop I modeled for. I worked with four photographers on the salt flats. There wasn't much rocks this time but the oil was horrendous. Without a doubt, definitely a worth while experience. 

Models: Heather Shepherd Gardner, John Cottrell, and Toshiko Tadehara (moi)

Being the Caucasian Minority

As you can see through my previous blogs that I have not accepted my life easily. It's not something that I necessarily enjoy or understand, but for better or worse I am here to stay. Today I come bearing an issue that has weighed heavily on my mind for some time now. It has waited patiently in the back of my mind to be acknowledged. That issue is race and ethnicity.

I have always thought of myself as a Japanese-American, for you see, I have been around and loved by the Tadehara family since I first existed. They never questioned my personality or what direction I might go, but simply stood by my side waiting to help or be helped. Others do not see me how I see me.

Now imagine the cutest little ginger girl you ever did see being the minority in a crowd of asians. Being a white minority isn't the problem that I have. The problem that I have is when I am ostracized by the people I most want to be involved with. When I am looked down upon for being simply white. Children, both white and colored, have taunted me for clinging to the only culture I have ever known when I was young. Knowing what you are to the deepest part of you and having everyone look upon you like a villain trying to usurp their culture or as another shameful hakugen with yellow fever.

I am now attempting to help organize a civil liberties organization and am still assaulted with these same issues. I have addressed them more than once only to be brushed away because NOBODY would ever hold it against you for being white. Why would they? And yet the frightening truth still rings in my ears as I hear their words, "your school is boring. It's filled with white people." Not as racial charged as one might think, but when you are attempting to lead youth in a civil liberties organization that's about as racially charged as it gets.

So my question now is what does one do to address prejudice against whites? Am I wrong to feel that those of ethnic color shouldn't feel some sort of animosity?

Why I Am So Pessimistic

When I was in high school I used to battle depression by ignoring it or refusing to let it get to me. I would feel this terrible ache and chaos clench my chest and make it hard to breath. I remember this one day when I was washing the dishes. I grabbed the sink and took several slow deep breaths repeating to myself over and over, "No. No. I won't let this happen. Everything is going to be okay. I'm fine. I'm fine. . ." with deep breaths in between sentences. I pushed it out of my mind mentally forcing the ache to be released and in a few moments it would go away. This would happen periodically and I would either cry it out or push it away. It was something I did myself. Something that I was able to control. Unwittingly, that was the approach I took towards everyone's depression. Never understanding why they couldn't stop being such whiners and just move on.

After I graduated from high school I had the best summer of my life before moving to Snow College for the school year. Snow College was the best learning experience I've ever had. I was understanding everything the teachers threw at me and it was the reason I chose to become a philosophy major.

Before I had graduated high school my parents had taken out a loan from a crooked bank and we were in the process of fighting the foreclosure. (By crooked I mean they forged my mothers signature on a document and lied about our house being a log cabin so they could give us the loan.) Our lives were in constant stages of disarray. Since I had moved down to Snow College my parents had requested that I pack up my room in case we needed to move quickly. This meant that every time I visited my parents house I was living from boxes including the summer between my first and second year at Snow.

My second year at Snow College was entirely different. I lived in very conservative off-campus student housing. All five of my roommates were Mormon and I am not. I was unable to make friendly connections with my roommates and they simply became acquaintances that I happened to share space with. At that point I was no longer able to express myself in my humble abode and from there it was a gradual decline.

There is more to the story than what I have laid down. But for now I shall leave you with this link and inform you that I have not yet gotten to the beauty of not knowing. Peace be with you.
Depression Part Two

Changing Names: Rainey vs Toshiko

Everyone's knows someone who went through one of those phases. The one where they're out to change their identity.

Well, I may not be out to change my identity, but I do want a change of name.  I have a lot of trouble with permanent things. I like change, which is why if I get a body modification I make sure it's easily reversible like my tongue piercing. I leave it out for a day and it's like it never happened.

The only problem is I like drastic change and most drastic changes aren't easily reversible. I chose my name because it's an easy fix. Nothing permanent, but still really fun. It's not too far of a stretch because Toshiko happens to be my middle name. Whoa! But that's a Japanese name! Correct. 

I may not look Japanese, but I am. That is another post entirely, which I will probably address at some point in time. 

What I really want to know, even though it's not going to affect my decision, is which name sounds prettier/more exotic: Rainey or Toshiko?

Pimping My Modeling **There is nudity in these so if you're sensitive don't look**

This was a photo shoot with Tom Clark at Sainsbury Island. It was fantastic and so overwhelming. The feeling of beauty was intoxicating and working with these other two models was quite an eye opener for me. 

The worst part about the shoot was probably the fact that the bottom of the Salt Lake is so sharp. I had cuts all over my body from rolling around in the lake. This is my proudest moment in my modeling career and I hope to have many more like this.

Probably my most favorite from this photo shoot.

Loving Someone Vs Being IN Love With Someone

I had no idea you could tell someone no when they were trying to break up with you. This has happened to me twice now.

I am in a long distance relationship and I have been for the past two years. I am finally ready to give in. Our differences have become to great and as much as I love him because he has been one of my best friends over the past two years I am no longer IN love with him.

What is the difference between loving someone vs being in love with someone?

This is a really good question and I am going to attempt to answer it, but chances are whatever I come up with will not be completely sufficient.

Being in love with someone has a lot to do with warm fuzzy feelings you get when you are about to see someone. It has to do with a constant feeling of fulfillment knowing you're apart of their life.

Loving someone. I can love you for who you are and not have an incessant need to be apart of your life. I can step back and watch you change and progress and move one to bigger and better things and not be sad for what I do not have.

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have."

Comments On My Blog Make Me Feel Good

I know that most of the comments on my blog were forced but I would like to say that there was a comment that had a profound effect on my emotional state. So, thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only person who struggles with making decisions.